He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My liver just had a heart attack.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
