Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
