I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
