That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
