TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
