I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
