The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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