LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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