Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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