I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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