First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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