Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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