1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize