He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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