We're facebook friends in real life
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
