Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize