There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
