if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
