i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
