If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize