This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We left the knife in your bed.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
