took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
