I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize