is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
