Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
