Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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