Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
