i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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