piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
smell my finger.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
