if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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