all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
