its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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