speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize