Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Houston, we have a squirter
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
