This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
