WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
