insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
