In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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