My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize