Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
