Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
