I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Terrible idea I love it
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
