All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
