Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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