i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize