i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
