Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
