last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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