you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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