I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
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