I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
