I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize