I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
