omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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