people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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