One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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