I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
