i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
