I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
no you cant smoke seaweed
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
