I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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