Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
