I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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